PSfsS 



THE 



ARKANSAS 



TRAVELLER; 



— A 



NEW ECCENTRIC COMEDY, 



IX — 



FOUR ACTS, 



BY — 
/ 



/ 

FENNIMORE HARRISON, 



NEW ORLEANS 

1881. 



THE 



ARKANSAS 



TRAVELLER; 



A — 



NEW ECCENTRIC COMEDY 



— ix — 



FOUR ACTS, 



BY 



FENNIMORE HARRISON, 

Mzvh 



NEW OKLEANS 

1881. 










H 3 ^ 



COPYRIGHTED, 1881, 

BY 
FENNIMORE HARRISON 



T NIP96-J06^39 



The Arkansas Traveller. 



Hello ! Stranger ! 
Hello! yourself! 



-:o: 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

Hiram Warsaw, The Arkansas Traveller. 

Sandy, Owner of the Big Fork Tavern. 

Samuel Easy The loquacious toper. 

Hezekiel Kent The circuit-rider. 

Aleck Fury The Constable. 

Lucy Crittenden, and Agnes Crittenden 

Sisters, from the West, travelling together. 



Philip Sly, and Billy Sharp, 



Tivo intrepid tramps from Colorado. 
— :o: 



ACT I. 

Scene — Interior of Sandy's Big Fork Tavern. Evening. 

Sandy (listening). That sounds like the stage-coach (goes to 
the door). No, wrong again. Who's that there ? Hey, is that 
you Sam f 

Enter Sam uel Easy, smoking a pipe. 

Sam. Did you call me ! Ain't the stage come yet ? 

Sandy. ISo, I'm waitin' for it now ; it's high time. Take a seat. 

Sam. Well I will, for a rest. You know, Sandy, my wife 
won't let me alone ! 

Sandy. What's wrong now? 

Sain. She thinks I'm goiu' to saw wood before supper! I'm 
not calcerlated for that. I never could saw wockI anyhow ! 



Sandy. Well, Sam, here's som'jthin' to make you forgit your 
troubles. It's a demijug with sometkm' in it. Try it! 

8am. Well, Sandy, I can't say as I care very particler just 
now ; however, let me have about a thimbleful. 

Sandy. Help yourself. Thai's a glass. 

Sam {Pours out a little and takes it; then fills to the brim). San- 
dy, this is a tonic ! I didn't know it. It's the real old 'simmon 
beer ! 

Sandy. That's some o' mine. We'll have some when the stage 
comes. 

Sam. I'm in dead earnest; it's a tonic ! If a man'll stick to 
'simmon beer, he'll never be sick any more'n a doctor! Ain't 
that tlie stage? 

Sandy. It's comin' now, and I'm off to meet it. (Exit.) 

Sam. Hurry up ! You'll be too late ; there's somebody gettin' 
out now. It's a woman! — another woman ! Is that all ? Here 
they are. 

Enter Lucy and Agnes, with Sandy carrying their carpet-bags. 

Agnes. So this is the Big Fork Tavern and the stage stops 
here all night ? 

Sandy. This is the Big Fork, strangers, and the stage goin' 
East always stops here over night- It's the restiu' place. 

Lucy. That's just what I told you, Agnes; the driver said 
we'd have to stay here all night and continue the journey in the 
morning. We'll have to do so. 

Sam. It\s a mighty good tavern! That 'simmon beer's fust- 
rate ! 

Sandy. Oh ! I'll be sure to wake you up in time to-morrow 
mornin' ! 

Lucy. Yes, you'd better ! Agnes and myself are from the 
West and are going to Kentucky on a visit to some relatives and 
are going to bring them back with us. Now don't forget it! 

Agnes. No indeed ! 

S f mrfy. Fix your hopes on me, strangers ! I'll tend to every 



pint. You'll have the best room here, and you'll sleep well, 
it's so quiet ! 

Lucy. We don't mind noise; out West people are either 
fighting- or working, and we are used to exciting things. 

Sam. You don't fight, do you ? 

Lucy. I don't mind seeing fights ! They give one an appetite ! 

Sandy. I'm goin' to have supper now, strangers. Hey, Sam, 
won't you fill this pitcher with fresh water from the well, while 
I fix the table? [Prepares the table.) 

Sam. Let me have it. Hello! here comes the Parson with 
his hick'ry stick ! 

Enter Hezekiel Kent. 

Kent. Wait a minnit, Sam; your wife told me to tell you to 
come down to the "widders" right off, and help her to tote wood. 
That's all. 

Sam. Parson, I do despise to go near a wood-pile at night — 
too many snakes. (Exit.) 

Sandy (to his guests). That's Hezekiel Kent, the circuit-rider. 
(Kent bou-s). And now, strangers, if you'll bring your cheers 
aroun' this table, we'll try to make you forgit the cares and vex- 
ations of travellin'. We'll start to work at once. Come on, 
Parson. 

Lucy. I'm as hungry as a tiger! Are you, Agnes? 

Agnes. Of course I am! (They all sit down*) 

Kent. I 'spose you two ladies are going to stay here always, 
eh? Then you'd better jine my congregation— contributions 
only once a month ! 

Lucy. No, sir ; we leave in the morning, but we will give a 
contribution to a good cause, there ! 

Kent. Well — 

Lucy. Never mind, just take it ! 

Kent. Thanks! It's really gratifyin' (puts the coin into his 
pocket). 

Enter Sam Easy with the water. 

Sam. What's that you're up to, Parson ? I saw you ! No use 



talkin', you still like this worl' ! Here's your jug, Sandy. 

Sandy. That's it; draw up a cheer, Sain. Now, strangers, 
we're gittiu' well 'quainted, h'aint we ? You'll like the tavern! 
How's them flapjacks over thar by you ! 

Lucy. The very best I've ever eaten ! Don't you think so, 
A -lies I 

Agnes. They are certainly tine! Is it possible you made them, 
Sandy I 

Sandy (glowing with enthusiasm). I make "em ? Let me tell 
you, flapjacks is considered the pride o' this tavern! aintthey 
Sam I 

Sam. Well, flapjacks is fust rate, but 'simmon beer's got the 
flavor! 

Kent. It aint solid enough, Sam. 

Sam. That's nothin', it's more digesterble. I'm in for diges- 
terble things ! 

Lucy. It's a matter of taste, I think. 

Sam. Right ! Xow there's the Parson, he's awful fond of 
hymn books and I aint ; and I'm toler'ble fond of 'simmon beer, 
and he aint! that's all. 

Sandy. Here's some hoe-cake, strangers, and a ten-pound loaf 
o' corn bread, won't you tackle it 2 

Lucy. Oh, my! I can't now. 

Sandy. And here's some real old yam pertaters. 

Sam. Yes, try them yams! I tell you, yams is gittiu' scarce 
nowadays. Take 'em when you can. I'm in tor yam pertaters 
all the year roim' ; how's that, Parson ? 

Kent. Now I'm with you ! Yes, sir, I'm in for yams and fried 
chicken ! 

Sam. That's so ; chickens is gittiu' scarce round here! 

Kent. How's that ? 

Sam. I reckon it must be somethin' ailin'them, Parson. Eh, 
Sandy '? 

Sandy. I don't know, Sam ; there's no tellin' what 

Enter Philip Sly, in a tremendous rush. 

Sly. Fight! tight! fight! 1 say. 



.4//. Where ? 

Sly. Awful ! tryiu' to shoot each other down yonder — I'm jus' 
broke clown ! Some liquor, quick ! 

Sandy (Melting a flask). Who's shot I who's shot I 

Lucy. Oh, Agnes, let's go ! 

Sly. You see, Bill Jones 

Kent. Bill Jones ! I thought so ! — 

Sly. You see, Bill Jones caught one o' Sam Kellum's oxen in 
his corn-patch and he shot it! Then Sam Kellum brings out his 
one bar'l gun and goes out to hunt Bill, but Bill was on the 
watch waitin' behind a tree — the big oak, you know — 

bandy. Go ahead! (here Kent, greatly excited, males for the 
scene of battle before he hears all the tale) 

Sly And as Sam conies up, Bill knocks him flat, and the 
bloodiest tight ! Even the niggers are jiuin' in, and Aleck Fury, 
the Constable, wants help right oft! That's what I'm here for ! 
Somebody's killed ! 

Sandy. I'm oft* with you, old man ! (they rush out together, 
and Sam, picking up a billet of wood for a weapon, follows quickly.) 

Lucy. Agnes, I'm not going to stop here! We'll see it, too ! 
(Exeunt. In the excitement, Lucy drops her purse ) 
Enter Billy Sharp, with an old gripsack. 

Sharp. Is them miserable critters gone ? Ha ! ha ! ha ! Phil's 
an awful sinner ! Hello! what's in this jug? (drinks.) I don't 
know what it is — makes me smile all over (sings) ! 

I'm dusty and broke, forlorn and forsoke. ( ,„ ,., , , . 

I walked! sir, from Colorado! tiSEJSJSSa 

They call me a scamp, a rascally tramp ! ( from his pocket. 

Because I am hones' yer know! 

Because I am hones', yer know! 

I'm dusty and broke, forlorn and forsoke. 

I walked, sir, from Colorado! 

(Sniffs odors from the table, and sits down.) 

Hoe-cake! as I'm a sinner! Flapjacks! I tell you, it looks like 
old times ! Let me taste this again (drinks). It gets me ! I'll 
have to give up on that. It's got some ingredient in it I've 
never tasted before! (While Sharp is thus absorbed in the midst 



8 

of his supper, Phil Sly, having slipped off from Sandy in (lie 
darJcness, returns.) 

Enter Phil Sly in a rush. 
Sharp [springing up). Jehosophat! You nearly made me 
swallow a pertater whole! How'd you git back so quick, Pbil "? 
Sly. Well, Billy, I wanted a little fun myself ! You see, I 
slunk away from them critters in the darkness. They was sittin' 
down, restin', not there yet. 
Sharp. Oh, Phil, what a splendid chance ! Let's eat! 
Sly. You're right! (sits down.) Hello! what's this? (Pielcsup 
Lucy's purse on the .floor). 

Sharp. Oh, Phil, divide!- oh, yes now, Phil, divide ! Give us 
half! You know, I forgot that part ! 

Sly. Billy, you forgits too much ! It'll ruin you one of these 
days ! Here's half and you may keep the purse. 

Sharp. I don't want the purse; however, I'll chuck it in my 
gripsack; it'll do for a terbaccer bag, (does so, and then goes 
behind Sandy's counter and opens his till). Phil ! Phil ! (jingling 
the coins.) 

Sly. My cup's runnin' over ! Shake hands, Billy ! Kow let's 
walk round to the table and lnedertate ! (they sit down.) 
Sharp. Aint this comfortable, Phil? I like it. 
Sly. It beats Colorado! Git out o' here! (takes a chicken from 
his pocket and throws it upon the floor) I'll put in some pertaters 
in place of raw chicken (Jills his pocket). 

Sharp, I say, Phil, 'spose we start for Texas to-morrow ? 
Sly. No sir, Billy! The fish are bitiu' too well ! You've got 
a splendid chance ! Them people aint seen you yet ! 
Sharp. That's so! We'll work it! 

Sly. I tell you, I'm jus' like everybody else, I won't steal 'cept- 
*»' I want ter ! 

Sharp. So 'in I. So we'll lurk about here awhile longer! 
Well, sir, I'm in for it ! I say, Phil, keep them taller candles 
you got; don't eat 'em, you hear? We'll want 'em! 
Sly. Oh. yes, I've got 'em. (At this point a ghastly expression 



9 

comes over their countenances, as they hear a rapping at the door 
and music too. It is Warsaw, just arrived in his buggy. He raps 
upon the door with his fiddle-bow several times, and then plays the 
u Arkansas Traveller." Sly, after much running about, finally 
ensconces himself behind Sandy's counter, while Sharp is still 
looking for an exit.) 

Sharp {rushing up the to counter). Phil! Phil! come out o' 
there! You'll git caught! 

Sly [poking up his head). No, sir! You can't git out any- 
where ! You'll git wound up ! 

Sharp. I'll risk it! (Escapes with his gripsack through a small 
win do iv.) 

Enter Hiram War saw, highly incensed at the delay; his carpetbag 
in his hand and his fiddle under his arm. 

Warsaw. Perdition! Are you going to keep me out here all 
night ? I've stood at that door until I'm colorblind ! Hello ! a 
chicken (picks it iq)), and nobody in ! Is this a hen-coop ? (here 
the tramp rises in dismay, and, Warsaw's back being turned, creeps 
through the door.) I'll see if I can't start the owner of this 
tavern (tunes his fiddle an I plays the " Ark. Trav") 

Re-enter Phil Sly, pretending to be the tavern keeper. 

Sly. Hello ! stranger ! 

Warsaw. Hello ! yourself! I was about to upset your tavern. 

Sly. Well, you might have done it! You see, stranger, I was 
at the stable, jus' now tendin' to a hoss, and you got in before I 
could git here. Hello ! gimme that chicken you got there, he 
was sick and he died in here. Yes, gimme him, jes lemme have 
him and I'll save him for the cat — I will for a fact ! 

Warsaw. Apoplexy ? I say, he gave in to apoplexy, didn't he I 

Sly. Who ! 

Warsaw. The chicken, of course ! 

Sly. Oh ! I dunno ! I'm sorry that hoss kep' me so long. But 
you're hones', I see it by your look— What's your bizness, any- 
how, stranger? 

Warsaw. I was driving by in my buggy and thought I'd stop 



10 

over. What about the health of this place; any sickness? 

Sly. Splendid place ! People never die round here! 

Warsaw [rising). Then Til drive on to the next town. But 
it's rather late. 

Sly. Well ! Hoi' on, stranger; what's your pert icier line ? 

Warsaw. Any invalids here ? Anybody dried up, shrivelled, 
warped : ; Anybody with the eyeache, earache, backache tooth- 
ache — anything in that line, because I've got an infallible reme- 
dy — mark me — iufalible— Warsaw's " Grip of Life, " the Great 
Original, risk no other! 

Sly. Bless your soul, stranger ! bless your soul! I didn't know 
them's the kind you wanted ! I nearly died with the backache my- 
self last night, and most everybody's wrong somewhere ! There 
is a few invalids, too. It's my opinyun — now I gives this from 
what I've seed— it's my opinyun, you can do a rousin' bizness ! 

Warsaw. Put me down for a- week's board, you rusty old 
biped! [goes over to the register on the counter behind which Sly 
lias taken his stand; Warsaw registers.) So that settles it, eh ? 

Sly. Yes, you're all right now, stranger, 'ceptin' one item — 
terms alius in advance ! It's been my rule for twenty years, you 
see, to do a strict cash bizness and I hate to make 'ceptions. 
It's the best plan, and we'll close the bargain on ten dollars ! 

Warsaw. Oh! strictly cash % That's right ! (pulls out a roll 
of money, extends a ten-dollar bill, and, as Sly puts out his hand 
to take it, Warsaic suddenly withdraws it and scans the tramp 
carefully) Well sir! you are the crudest looking old biped I 
ever saw! (the tramp removes his hat to scratch his head) Bald- 
headed, too! Perdition! bald as an orchestra ! 

Sly. I'se alius been so, stranger, alius ! 

Warsaw. Always? 

Sly. Alius— born so ! 

Warsaw. Hold your head there a minute, old man ! (goes into 
his carpetbag for a bottle of his u Anti- Dandruff "") Here's my 
"Anti-Dandruff*'; now, hand me your head! L intend to rub 
some of it into it — warranted to make a bald head bristle like a 



11 

cocklebur Make haste!— You won't? Perdition! Then 
starve to death, that's all ! Give me a receipt for that ! {flings 
over his ten-dollar bill.) I never go without receipts — I have 
enough creditors on hand now ! When a creditor hits my trail 
I lose my relish for this life ! (reads the receipt) It's signed Sandy. 
Right ! Now, old biped, walk right around here and take a seat 
by this table! Make haste ! I'm going to tackle you ! ( Warsaw 
sits down, and Sly, as he walks around, surveys him in dismay.) 
How do you feel now ? 

Sly. Fustrate ! fnstrate ! Splendid weather ! 

Warsaw (tuning his fiddle). I say, old man, just stand up there 
a minute, will you % Now walk right out to the front of me— a 
little to the right— there ! You say you feel all right ? (the tramp 
nods assent) Now, sir, I've just driveu thirty-five miles to-day in 
my buggy, and Tm going to have some relaxation ! — Get your 
legs ready! I'll start a tune, and you've got to dance the "High- 
land Fling !" Yes you do know it ! It's dance or die ! I tell 
you I want some recreation !— I'm ready! Now, strike an atti- 
tude! (Sly hears noises outside and gets perturbed.) 

Sly. Jus' one minnit, stranger! I understand it! Jus' wait 
till I lock ray stable, I forgot it (Exit). 

Warsaw. Hurry up, then ! I'll saw your legs oft if you don't ! 
I'm going to have some fun in this tavern ; I didn't come here to 
mope ! 

Enter Sandy, Sam, Kent, Lucy and Agnes — -fatigued. 

Sandy. Well, sir, the Big Fork Tavern's been fooled ! Hello! 
stranger ! 

Warsaw. Hello! yourself! Sit down, old biped. I'm tuning 
up for a little fun (becomes absorbed in tuning his fiddle). 

Sam. I'm going to finish what I started on (sits down to the 
table and eats leisurely). Hello! all them yams gone? 

Sandy. They are ? That's sing'ler (scans Warsaw, who ap- 
pears to hear nothing). Some o' that hoe cake raissin', too ! And 
only one flapjack ! 



12 

Lucy. Oh ! Agnes, have you got your cushion ? — Yes, I see it ; 
that's right. 

Kent. I wonder what that feller wanted to play sich a joke 
as that for ? It don't strike me as bein' very nice to walk a mile 
and a half fornothin'! 

Sandy. Nor I! I'd like to get hold o' him ! 

Lucy {rushing up to Sandy). Oh! Sandy! Sandy! My purse ! 
my purse ! It's gone ! 

Sandy (in a whisper). My stars! gone ! Mebbe we are robbed! 
(rushing to his till) Robbeil! How'd that come ? Ha! (point- 
ing at Warsaw, who has just begun to play the ''Ark. Trav.") Sam! 
Parson! be ready! Thar's the man! (goes towards Warsaw and 
slaps him upon the hack) 

Warsaw You abnormal gawk! Who are you ? what do you 
want '? where'd you come from and where are you going to ? 
(walks about excitedly) 

Sandy. Look here, stranger, it's no use your stannin' thar 
arguin* with me ; yon might's well own up and clar out ! We're 
not goin' to give you much rope, neither ! You can't git ont of 
it! If you don't pull that money out mighty quick, we'll swing 
yon to a tree! Gimme that rope yonder, Parson ! 

Warsaw. Be sure you're right, old gawk! You might get 
the worst of it. Eead this ! (Sandy reads the receipt) Given to 
me by an old baldheaded man in rusty clothes ! (sits down on 
Agnes's cushion which he gets hitched to his coat-tail) 

Sandy. What ! It's the same feller ! Friends, I see through 
it ; we've been robbed by a rascally tramp ! 

Agnvs. Oh ! Lucy ! We'll never see Kentucky ! never ! 

Lucy. We'll wait here, Agnes! Just stand it! — Oh! where is 
that cushion ! Did any one take it '? 

Kent. Not as I know of. 

Warsaw (stirred up, rises with the cushion dangling at his coat- 
tail). Perdition ! That unqualified rascal of a tramp's gone off 
with some of my money ! 

Lucy (having bought a glimpse of the cushion). My cushion, 
sir ! Give me niv cushion ! You've got it ! I saw it ! 



13 

Warsaw (excited). Don't irritate me! Ridiculous! Ihavent! 
Agnes. You have, sir! You have! Oh! Lucy, let him alone, 
lie's crazy ! 

Warsaw. Depart, you little junebug! 

Sandy Grab him by tbe windpipe, Parson ! He's got it! He's 
got it! Hold him! (they rush at Warsaw— all except Sam, who is 
still at the table.) 

Warsaw. Back! back! you insufferable gawks! (strikes an 
attitude of defiance and plays the u Ark. Trav.," while Kent mana- 
ages to tap the cushion off with his stick) Stop, sir ! I'll stifle you ! 

Kent. Thar it is! I knowed you had it ! 

Warsaw (to Kent). You did it! (to Sandy) You did it! [to 
JSam) You did it! (to Lucy and Agnes) You girls did it .'—Well, 
who did it? Nobody did it! It did itself! Of course it did ! 
(to Sandy) I say, I'll get you to attend to my horse and buggy, 
out there, and now I want to go to bed ! I want my room im- 
mediately ! 

Lucy. So do I ! 

Warsaw. No! you shant! 

Lucy. I shall ! 

Warsaw. You shan't have my room ! 

Lucy. I don't wan't your room ! 

Warsaw. But you said you did! 

Lucy. I did'nt! 

Warsaw. You did ! 

Lucy. I didn't! 

Warsaw. Well damn me! Who am I? (strikes an attitude 
and plays the u Ark. Trar.") 

Sam, I'll stick to it, this is a tonic ! It's nothin' else ! 

Sandy. Here's the number to your room, stranger. It's number 
two— number one belongs to them ladies. And now all's ready, 
if you want to go. 

Warsaw (who has gotten his carpetbag ready to depart). Are you 
sure you're right, old man ? 

Sandy. Oh! yes; it's number two, stranger! 



14 

Warsaw. I merely ask to know for certain. Don't get me 
mixed with this other party, understand? There'll be a colli- 
sion ! {Warsaw advances toward the front of the stage, with hisl 
carpetbag) Goodnight! Which way'll I go 1 {here Lucy, thinking 
the carpetbag is hers from its close resemblance, hurriedly makes 
toward Warsaw and grasps It is arm) Madam! what game are 
yon playing now ?* 

Lucy. I'm not playing any game ! 

Warsaw. You are ! You've tried to irritate my nervous system !, 

Agnes (advancing). Oh ! Lucy, he's insane ! 

Lucy. I haven't ! 

Warsaw. You have ! Youv've singled me out for your venom 
from the first ! 

Lucy. I havn't ! 

Warsaw. Provoking woman! you have! you've been at, 
right-angles with me all night ! 

Lucy. 1 haven't at all, sir ! 

Warsaw. You have, madam! I'm bristling all over! 

Lucy. I tell you plainly, you are going off with my property 
sir ! 

Warsaw. Uncalled for nonsense! 

Lucy. That carpetbag is mine, sir ! It's mine ! 

Warsaw. Delusive dream ! 

Lucy. I know it! I know my property! 

Warsaw. Madam ! — mark me — I've been here fifteen minutes 
and cleaned out the till, stolen your purse, gone ofi with that 
abominable cushion, and now lam positively accused of stealing 
my own carpetbag ! 

Lucy. Oh! Sandy! Sandy! come here! 

Sandy (rushing up). Gimme me the key! gimme the key! 
We'll settle it ! (Warsaw gives his key) 

Lucy. It's mine ! it's mine ! I said so ! I said so ! (Sandy opens, 
and tosses a deck of cards upon the floor.) 

Warsaw (instantaneously). Yours, madam ! yours ! I beg your 
pardon! (strides off in triumph) 

'This incident is founded upon a fact. It is mine in part only. 



15 

Lucy (completely undone, gazes at the cards a moment). You 

villain ! you villain ! 

[Curtain.] , 

Note— The following positions seem to me to be the most effective : 
Warsaw's fiddle is held under his left arm ; his left hand is tipping his 
hat apologetically to Lucy, while his extended right hand is meekly 
accepted by her. Just behind, Samuel Easy is standing serenely 
puffing his pipe, as if he had already known exactly how the affair 
must turn out. 



ACT II. 



Scene — Interior of Warsaw's room Morning. Lucy appears 
at the door, and, having assured herself, enters cautiously. 

Lucy. Well ! he's out ! I wonder where he is ! Just the 
thing ! I haven't much curiosity, but I'm determined to explore 
this tavern all over, now that I must remain here for awhile. 
My ! if he were to catch me in here ! what should I do ! Ugh ! 
what's that ? a roach ! There ! he's gone ! I never could kill one. 
Mercy ! who was that ? I think I had better be going, (goes to 
the door cautiously in such a way that, as Warsaw pushes it open 
suddenly, she is shut behind it.) 

Enter Warsaw. 

Warsaw (opening his carpetbag). Come to busiuess at last ! 
I've just made a tour of this place. My heavens ! the amount 
of dandruff in this town ! it is perfectly amazing ! Let's see, I 
want a bottle of the "Grip" and one of the "Anti-Dandruff" for 
the constable —Perdition ! I thought that door was open ! There's 
an awful draught! (slams the door) Caesar! stop, Lucy! stop! stand 
your ground ! never mind ! 

Lucy. Oh ! horrors ! 

Warsaw . Why, Lucy, ain't you tamed yet '? 

Lucy. Ko ! I'm not ! You say so, because my wing is clipped ! 

Warsaw. Well — I've seen ducks with a broken wing fairly 
travelling over the water! how's that! 



16 

Lucy. Was I going fast ? 

Warsaic. Just so, so. Come here now, let me tame you ! — 
confound that roach ! 

Lucy. It's the very one I tried to kill ! 

Warsaic. Lucy, mark me, a tavern roach can't be killed any 
more'n an Indian chief. Now last night I was about to fall off 
into into an ordinary doze when something' began to scratch at 
the bottom of the bedpost. The party, thus occupied, pushed 
himself up a little till he got on a level with me ; then he halted 
and thought. Presently he started again, having concluded not 
to interview me. I heard him drag himself up to the very top. 
There he sat and sat, and thought and thought ; then he became 
alarmed, got dizzy and began to whirl around on his pivot — de- 
lirious, you see. Presently he toppled over and struck the 
floor with a thud ! He did it all himself! 

Lucy. Horrible fib ! — Where were you awhile ago I 

Warsaw. I was making a tour of the town. Although the 
woods are pretty heavy about here, still I find a good many 
people scattered around. It is amazing the amount of dandruff 
about here ! — Here, Lucy, just taste this ! 

Lucy. No, no, no ; I don't want any of your " Anti-Dandruff!" 

Warsaw. This isn't the " Anti-Dandrnff." 

Lucy. It isn't ? 

Warsaw. No ! it's the " Grip of Life," warranted to resusci- 
tate a mummy! Risk no other! 

Lucy. Well, I don't believe I care for any. 

Warsaic. Three drops to a piut of water, that's amply suffi- 
cient, eh ? 

Lucy. No, let me off this time ! 

Warsaw. You'd better; mark me, it'll fix you to a moral 
certainty ! 

Lucy. No! I will not take it ! 

Warsaic. Provoking girl, how can I rescue you % 

Lucy. I won't touch it ! 

Warsaw. That settles it! A won't is a won't; women do just 



17 

what they want ! Yes, sir, women can do anything except whis- 
tle two times at the same time ! They'll have to give up on 
that, there's no use talking! 

Lucy. What, are you going ? 

Warsaw. Yes, Lucy, the constable is waiting for these bottles 
now ! But won't you wait till I come back ? 

Lucy. No, I must go and find Agnes. 

Warsaw. Won't you come back after a while then 1 ? 

Lucy. Yes, I will ! 

Warsaic. Don't forget it ! (Exit). 

Lucy. What a queer feilow ! So 'm I ! Two queer fellows — 
he— I — How funny ! (goes to the door in such a manner that, as 
Kent pushes it open suddenly, she is again shut behind it. I will 
here observe that, in order to execute this act properly, Warsaw's 
room must be arranged with two doors at the back part, standing 
opposite to each other.) 

Enter Hezekiel Kent. 

Kent, I'll take three bottles ! Hey, the Trav'ler's out! How- 
ever, I'll wait for him. I had a chill last night and ached all 
over. I tell you, I'm shaking all over now! It's toler'ble chilly 
iu here ! No wonder ! just look at that door wide open ! (shuts 
it) Hallelujah ! who's that ? 

Lucy. Stop, Parson ! stop ! Stand your ground ! 

Kent. Dear ine ! I thought you were Sam; he told me he was 
comin' here to git a bottle. Are you in a scrape, too ? 

Lucy. Yes — I caught you, and somebody caught me ! 

Kent. Is that the way! 

Lucy. Yes, that's it ! 

Kent. Ha! ha! ha! lemme putyou'down for my congergation ! 

Lucy. No, no, no. 

Kent. Why not ! 

Lucy. I don't want to ; I'm only going to stay here till I hear 
from home. 

Kent. Oh ! yes ; that's so. 

Lucy. I'm afraid of Parsons anyhow ; (drops her handkerchief 



18 

and picks it up quickly; the Parson reaches for it, too, just too late, 
and feels uncomfortable) 

Kent (uncomfortable), Well — well, I'm sorry you won't Have 
a seat anyhow, won't you ? (sits down upon his hat) Oh! me, why 
did I do that ! 

Lucy. I can't tell you. 

Kent I tell you, I'm not well ; I'm awful chilly ! 

Lucy. That's it ! Of course it is ! — 

Agnes (appearing at tlie door) Lucy! Lucy! what are you do- 
ing in there? (exit Lucy through one door; away goes Kent to the 
other, where he stumbles into the arms of Sam Easy, who has just 
come u for a bottle 11 

Enter Sam Easy, dragging the Parson. 

Sam. Come back here ! It's no use to fool me ! Confess your 
sins, Parson ! 

Kent. Now, Sam, ever since the other night, the tavern's been 
out of order; you know that yourself — 

Sam. Yes. 

Kent. And everybody's been plunged into a scrape ! 

Sam. And you've been tryin' to git out of one ! It's human 
natur', 

Kent. That's so; things aint been ruunin' exactly smooth 
around here ! 

Sam. Far as I could see, you were goin' along toler'ble 
smooth! You're a parson, I know, but you've got your weak 
points. 

Kent. That's true; therj was nothin' wrong, Sam ; I was only 
waitin' for the Trav'ler. Have you seen him ? 

Sam. He'll be along d'rectly. He was doin' some loud talkin' 
down 5 onder. 

Kent. Yes, he'll make some money; I wish he'd jiue my con- 
gergation ! 

Sam. Somebody's comin' now. 

Enter Warsaw, considerably ruffled about something; quickly pushes 



19 

a box against the door and props a chair against it. Then he 
describes a circle around Sam and Kent. 

Warsaw. Perdition! That fellow shan't come into ray room ! 
No sir! he shall not! He will actually ruin my business! 

Sam. Who? 

Warsaw. That unparalleled idiot, Jake Brown ! 

Kent. What, old Jake who's got the wooden leg? 

Warsaw. Yes, sir, the demon with the cork leg! 

Sam. Old Jake never did have much sense; but what's he 
up to ? 

Warsaiv. I can't get rid of him ! You see, I was out yonder 
making a speech to that gaping crowd, and working a few 
miracles, when old Jake walked up smiling all over with delight, 
and beckoned to me with his ringer. He's got the notion that I 
can start a new leg for him — a fresh one, you see— as if I could 
supply the country with legs ! 

Kent. Curious, aint it ? Is he comin' up here? 

Warsaiv. He said he'd drop in here directly. I'll get ugly if 
he does, (goes into his carpetbag for his flash.) 

Sam. That's the trouble with Jake; he's good-liearted, but 
when he gits a notion in his head, it's got to work its way 
through. 

Warsaw. Now, boys, this is ona of my odd times ; take a 
little out of this flask, Parson ! 

Kent. Eeally, it's agin' my principles ! 

Sam. Yes, I'll take some ; my throat's as husky as a corn cob 
in June! (drinks) Thar's old Jake now, hammerin' at your door ! 
Just wait; I'll go out there and talk to him a bit (exit). 

Warsaw. Go ahead then ! You see, Parson, he will hurt my 
business — Eeally you do look badly ; now let me persuade you, 
as a gentleman, to take a little out of tins flask. Now I ask 
you as a gentleman ; it'll help you. 

Kent. Now I agree with you ! You see, Trav'ler, my great 
object has been to set that feller Sam a good example to imer- 



20 

tate, and now, bavin' done everything in my power to rescue 
him from everlastin' ruin, I say — 

Warsaiv. Oh ! perdition! Drink, man! It won't hurt you! 

Kent. Well I will, notwithstandin' I'm a parson, (drinks) 

Enter Sam. 

Sam (to Jake outside). Go home, Jake ! — How's it taste, Parson ! 

Kent. Why don't you go home ! You're everywhere at the 
same time ! Why don't you go and tote wood, or use an axe, or 
split rails sometimes, eh? 

Sam. If you'll only take my advice, Parson — 

Kent I don't want it ! I'll go home, that's all ! I'm perfectly 
disgusted with you ! (exit) 

Sam. Now he's riled at me because he sold out cheap ! 

Warsaw. That's so! The devil buys at auction ! — Where'd you 
leave old Jake ? 

Sam. Well, he says he knows you can do somethin' for him ! 
He's out there. 

Warsaw. I can stifle him! (takes a package from his carpetbag) 

Sam. What's that you've got in your hand? 

Warsaw. That's a pack of testimonials. Just hold them 

awhile. 

Sam. And what's them bright-lookin' things ? 

Warsaw. They're only medals. Hold them while I go a little 
deeper into this carpetbag. 

Sam. These look nice. — There's old Jake again ! (does to the 
door) Go home, Jake ! clar out from here 1 

Warsaw. Let him hammer, if he wants ! Ah ! here's what 
I've been looking for! (draws out his shaving set) 

Sam. What's that? 

Warsaw. It's my shaving set. I'm going to take a shave. I 
do so every day. (makes his preparatioas) 

Sam. I say, Trav'ler, you've succeeded toler'ble well, haven't 
you? 

Warsaw. Pretty well, Sam. 

Sam. That's what I've always said ; all a man wants is brains, 



21 

just brains, and if he'll only take my advice, he'll succeed! 

Warsaw. How's that 1 

Sam. All a man's got to do to make a livin' is to go straight 
ahead oh a dead level — understau' ? 

Warsaw. Exactly. That reminds me — 

Sam. But wait; after you've gone ahead about ten years and 
have larned how to use figgers well — but you're not listeuin' ! 

Warsaw. Yes I am. Go on ; that wasn't anything ; I just 
thought it was a roach crawling up my pants leg. 

Sam. When you've spent ten years thuswise, what are you 
goin' to do with the money you've made f Now lemme tell you 
sometkin' — I say, aint you been laughiu' at me ? 

Warsaw. Perdition, man ! I feel as if my grand-mother had 
j nst died ! Go on ! 

Sam. Hold to your money yourself ! Fori tell you, money's 
as hard to hold on to as a fresh water eel ! 

Warsaw. That's so, it's awful slippery ! {brings the tavern 
mirror into full view, in order to scan his countenance. This 
mirror is cracked in all directions.) 

Sam. And have nothin' to do with State bon's, nothin' on 
earth ! There's no tellin' when them bon's is goin' to shrivel up 
like a pair o' wet shoes before a blaziu' fire! 

Warsaic (viewing himself in the mirror). Oh ! I'll have to give 
up on this! — Go on, Sam, go on! I was only blocked. 

Sam. My head's solid now ; didn't use to be. You know, I 
once managed a farm and wurked like a pile-driver for awhile, 
and aint done much since. But, sir, the time come when that 
farm got upside down, went all to pieces, and to save my life, I 
couldn't keep a hen on the nest ! 

Warsaw. And so you got married *? 

Sam. I confess it !— I tell you, it's no easy thing gittin' rich 
these days; a feller can't git rich to save his life— too many 
banks ! 

Warsaic. You're right, Sam ! Putting your money into banks 
is like going to church : you wake up after it's all over ! 



22 

Sam. I was on the p'int of say in' that myself— There's that 
doleful critter agin ! Jake ! why can't you go home ? What'll 
we do with that everlastin' fool ? 

Warsaw. Positively this is his last chance ! I shall mangle 
him beyond recognition ! How's that, Sam ? 

Sam. No, he's lame, Trav'ler; let's try somethin' else ! 

Warsaw. What then — some insidious drug? 

Sam. No, any thin' that'll scare him to death and won't hurt 
him. 

Warsaw. Come here then, I've got something tip top ! 

Sam. What is it ? what is it? 

Warsaw. All you have to do is to take your stand on this 
side the door, and I'll plant myself on the other side — 

Sam. Then what? 

Warsaw. Then you'll draw the chair and the box aside, and 
just as he crosses the threshold, I'll fresco his countenance with 
my lather-brush ! 

Sam. Ha ! ha ! ha ! magnificient ! I'll go into spasms ! (drinks) 

Warsaiv. Then we'll tell him he's got hydrophobia ! Come on, 
quick ! 

Sam. Oh! Lord, aint that splendid?— Here goes the box, 
Trav'ler! Hey, lemme have your beaver hat, won't you? Old 
Jake knows me, and I wouldn't like to be found out ! ( puts on 
Warsaw's beaver) Now, sir, keep your nerves steady ! 

Warsaiv (grinning all over). The finest thing ever thought of ! 
Just wait a moment, Sam, let me get a good souse of lather ! 
There! now drag them! 

Sam. All's ready ! 

Warsaiv. Come in ! Persistent demon, enter ! Individual with 
the cork leg, come in, I say !— Ah-h-h-h ! 

Enter Lucy, wJio receives the lather 

Sam (thrusting the beaver down over his head to escape recogni 
tion). Hallelujah ! 

Warsaw. Perdition ! I've lost my identity ! 



23 

Lucy (dumbfounded). Wretch! didn't you ask me to return ! 

Sandy! Sandy! (exit) 

Enter Sandy. 

Sandy. Ha! you're, caught at last! (Warsaw, flinging off Ms 

outer garment, displays a plaster, whereon is printed — Warsaw's 
Grip. Bisk no other ! Me strikes an attitude of defiance and plays 
the "Arkansas Traveller." 

[Curtain.] 



ACT III. 

— o: :o— 

Scene — Interior of the Big Fork Tavern. Morning. War sain 
sitting at table at the conclusion of breakfast. Tuning Ids fiddle. 
Hu carpetbag near by. 

Enter Sandy. 

Sandy. Well, stranger, have you finished? 

Warsaw. Yes, sir, take off your dishes. 

Sandy. Thar's somethin' new in town this mornin'. 

Warsaw, What's that, old man! 

Sandy. It's a sorter circus — got here early. 

Warsaw. A country circus, eh ! I've got to go down that 
way directly ; I'll see. 

Sandy. I oughter git one or two boarders by it. 

Warsaw. No doubt you will. 

Sandy. Oh ! thar's plenty room ! The tavern's been fixed up 
to 'commerdate a good many ! (exit, with the dishes) 

Warsaw. You can accommodate a good many roaches. I 
caught one last night, and fiddled him to death ! (strikes up the 
"Ark. Trav") 

Enter Agnes, languid, 

Agnes. Oh! my, I'm so tired of this! Such trouble and 
vexation ! 

Warsaw. What, trouble ? Sit down, little girl, and let me 
tell you how long Fve been chewing the cud of vexation. 



24 

Agnes. You \ the idea ! Just think of it ! 

Warsaw.' Yes, think of it ! Why, I've been pursued by evil 
spirits for years! Mark me, ill-luck is my destiny! Now Agues, 
give me your ears a minute ! 1 lirst started in the sewing-ma- 
chine business— an agent for a large house. It is needless to 
remark that I got along finely, until the house failed. Then I 
quit the business. I won't work for a bankrupt house; I won't 
make myself sick for anybody, because when. I once get sick, 
I've got to diet myself on gravy for a month ! I'm very par- 
ticular. After this failure, 1 began to sell a cement, the finest 
on earth ! It held on to anything and to everything it got hold 
of. I'll give you an idea : I happened to be at a railroad depot 
one day when 1 saw two trains, tilled with passengers, backing 
up against each other. I playfully added a little of this cement 
to the coupling, you know, and wnen they struck together, it 
was found impossible to get them apart. I took my seat upon a 
doorstep and watched results. At last, however, I had to leave, 
for it was a hot summer day and the profanity became so loud 
and appalling, as to bring down the value of real estate along 
there. As I was leaving, an old miner approached and separa- 
ted them with a pickaxe. The company sued me tor damages, 
and I was wrecked again ! 

Agnes. What did you do after that ? 

Warsaw. My next freak was a peculiar one. I entered iato 
what is known as the tombstone business —selling tombstones, or 
headstones, to people that wanted them. I sold seven to one 
woman, who was then laying her snare for her eighth husband. 
I expect she got him. I was an agent for the tomb, you see ; I 
used to go as far as the grave with people, but no further — it's 
hot enough on this side. IS ow Agnes, the time to go into the 
tombstone business is in spring ; I hit it in May. Easterly winds 
were blowing, indigestion was rife, and everybody was commit- 
ting suicide. For a few weeks I reaped a harvest, but suddenly 
the bottom flew out of everything. I told you, ill-luck's my des- 
tiny. If it had been some other fellow, success would have con- 



25 

stantly rewarded him ; but just because I teas in the tombstone 
business making a living, then everybody stopped dying. The whole 
country got healthy. And the ugly part of it is this : Three 
ravenous doctors and three pale undertakers formed themselves 
into a double-barreled committee and intimated to me, that 
unless I changed my occupation double-quick, my corpse would 
be necessary to their happiness ! Wasn't that a ghastly request? 

Agnes (rising to go). It was ; and then what did you do ? 

Warsaw. Then I became proprietor of the "Anti-Dandruff" 
and the " Grip of Life," the Great Original, risk no other ! 

Agnes. Well, I must go and find Lucy ; she was writing a 
letter. 

Warsaw. Tell her to come down here and write ; I'm awful 
fond of letter- writing myself ! 

Agnes (at the door). Dear me, what a queer-looking man com- 
ing here ? Perhaps he wants board- (exit) 
Enter Billy Sharp, with his gripsack — regards Warsaw carefully. 

Warsaw (beckoning). Hey, come here, old gawk! Sit down! 
You want board, eh ? 

Sharp Exactly, stranger. You see, I belong to the circus 
what's just come in. 

Warsaw, Oh! you do? Then you're a clown! Crack two or 
three jokes for us, won't you ? 

Sharp. No, no, I'm sorter gin'ral manager. 

Warsaw. You say you are the menagerie H 

Sharp. No ! 'course not ! Manager, man ! 

Warsaw. Oh ! perdition, I thought you were the menagerie ! 
Who is then? 

Sharp. Nobody is ! 

Warsaw. Point blank now, you won't crack a joke for us ? 
(the tramp shakes his head) Give us something else then ! Here 
now, let's see you knit your brows, contract them, I mean, so as 
to drag your ears around over your eyes, let's see you do it ! 

Sharp. This ain't the time to be doin' them things ! 

Warsaw. That's nothing ! Then try this : Let's see you take 



Q 



6 



your left leg and put it around over the back of your neck — un- 
derstand ?— then I'll grab you by the right leg down near the 
ankle, and I'll whirl you around like a flying dutchman ! Let's 
see you do it! 

Sharp. By dad, I won't do it ! 

Warsaw. Amazing ! why can't you afford a man some recrea- 
tion ! A nice clown ! Then I'll go: I've got to make a speech to 
that gaping crowd! There's Sandy now. (exit, with fiddle and 
carpetbag. 

Enter Sandy. 

Sandy. Is it board you want, stranger ? 

Sharp. Yes, I'll stop a day or two with you ; I belong to the 
circus. 

Sandy. That's what I thought ; lemme put your bag behin' 
the counter here, (does so) 

Sharp. Thanks ; yes, we're jus' in from the Upper Arkansas. 
It's a fine country, but full of rogues. By the w r ay, who's that 
feller in here with the fiddle and the carpetbag? Ain't he from 
the Upper Arkansas, too ? 

Sandy. Yes, I believe he is. 

Sharp. I thought so ; ain't he sollin' some sorter medicine tor 
the hair ? 

Sandy. Yes, he is ; why '? 

Sharp. And his name is Warsaw ? 

Sandy. That's it. What's the matter % 

Sharp. I know him ! A hint's enough ! 

Sandy. What ! 

Sharp. Keep your eye on him ! He's equal to a coon ! Well- 
known fifty miles above here ! 

Sandy. Well sir, I've suspicioned him from the very first 
night ! I'll watch him close I 

Sharp. That's all 5 ou've got to do, and keep mum ; I'll tell you 
what I know about him after awhile. Now I'm going on down 
to the circus (goes toward the door on the pretense of going out); so 
1 wish you'd git my room ready right off, if you please. 



27 

Sandy. I will, this very minuit, stranger (exit, through the 
•door behind the counter. Having got rid of Sandy, the tramp re- 
connoitres, picks up Warsaw's handkerchief under the table; then 
■goes to the door, and perceiving Kent coming, defers his design for 
a time.) 

Enter Hezekiel Kent. 

Sharp. Come and set down, stranger ; you look tired. ' Been 
walkin' '? 

Kent. Yes, a good deal. I thought I'd stop and take a rest. 
How are you feelin' ? 

Sharp. Putty well. What's your name '? 

Kent Hezekiel Kent's my name. 

Sharp. And what bizness are you doiu' now ? 

Kent. I'm a circuit-rider. 

Sharp. A circus-rider 1 Well sir ! I'm glad to hear that! 

Kent. You are ? Why's that ? 

Sharp. Why, I'm a circus-rider myself! 

Kent (delighted). Is it possible you are a circuit-rider % What's 
.your name ? 

Sharp. My name is Sharp. — A circus-rider, well sir ! 

Kent (rising). Brother Sharp! how are you 1 ? (the Parson 
shakes his hand vigorously, to the astonishment of the tramp. They 
then sit down). 

Sharp. That's sorter sing'ler. 

Kent. It is mighty sing'ler ! Yes, sir, it is sing'ler. 

Sharp. Lemme your knife a minnit, won't you, to cut a piece 
of terbaccer? 

Kent. With pleasure, Brother Sharp! (does so) I'm glad I 
stepped in ; I had been visitin' some o' my people.— Sam Kellum 
was putty sick two hours ago. 

Sharp. Sam Kellum! I'm jus' from town myself and some- 
body told me he was dyin' fast I 

Kent (rising quickly). Dyin' $ Is that so ! Excuse me, Brother 
Sharp ! (rushes forth immediately) 

Sharp (reflecting). What the devil's the matter with that 



28 

man? — Brother Sharp, how are you ! By dad, he ain't no kin to 
me! No, sir! (puts Kent knife into his pocket, then taps Sandy's 
till and deposits Warsaw's handkerchief by way of circumstantial 
evidence. Afterwards he saunters forth from the tavern and pres- 
ently returns, having met Aleck Fury, the Constable.) 
Enter Aleck Fury and Billy Sharp. 

Aleck. So you found the tavern ? I've jus' come to see. 

Sharp. Yes, you put me on the right road. It's a line tavern. 

Aleck Oh! it is; fustiate ! Here's Sandy, now. 

Enter Sandy, through the door behind the counter. 

Sandy. Well, Aleck ! 

Aleck. Hey, Sandy, I sent you this guest ; he come here ac- 
cordin' to my advice. I'll serve you a good turn whenever I 
can, Sandy. 

Sandy. You always do, Aleck. 

Sharp. Yes, he did recommen' me to come here, seein' that I 
was a stranger. Now let's all go up to my room, come on ! 

Aleck. No, no, I must be back ! — Bizness — bizness — bizness ! 
(exit) 

Sandy. Well, sir, it's ready, and I'll show you up to it. Let's 
walk easy, because them ladies are asleep up stairs, (they make 
for the door behind the counter, and Sandy, seeing the handkerchief, 
picks it up.) 

Sharp. What is that you've got ? 

Sandy. It's a handkerchief; wonder whose it is ? 

Sharp. Ain't it got a name on the corner ? — Yes, thar it is ? 

Sandy. Let's see — War-saw— My stars ! (examining his till) 
Bobbed again ! 

Sharp. Bobbed ! run for the constable quick ! (rushes to the 
door) 

Sandy. Stop ! stop ! say nothin' ! We'll catch him ourselves ? 

Sharp. Let's choke the rascal ! I can see him comin' away off 
yonder now. Yes, it's him. 

Sandy. Then let's keep close ! keep mum ! We'll bait him for 
certain ! 



29 

Sharp. Bait him, that's the thing! Come on right straight to 
my room and I'll help yon to fix a plan ! Bait the rascal ! 

Sandy. Gimme your hand on that, won't you ? Come on quick! 
(tliey shake hands and go out) 

Enter Warsaw and Sam Easy. 
Warsaw. So yon went down to see the circus, Sam ? 
Sam, Yes, I did; I'm perfectly disgusted - saw old Jake 

Brown there. 

Warsaw. Yon did ! Let him keep out of my clutches, that's 
all. Hello! where's that old gawk anyhow 1 Maybe he's gone ! 

Sam. Is he ? 

Warsaw. No, there's his old carpetbag behind the counter. 

Sam. It is 1 Oh ! let's have a little fun out of it ; jus' look at 

it for fun. 

Warsaw. No, you'd better not molest it, Sandy might not 

like it, Sam. 

Sam (going behind the counter). That's nothin', I'll not hurt 

if Sandy knows me. Jerusalem ! it's heavy ! feel it. 

Warsaw {shaking it vigorously). Great Cesar! it must be Ml 
of solid gold . There ! it's come open ! Perdition, Sam, just look 
at the hay, will you ! 

Sam. Hay ? my lord, look at it ! 

Warsaw. Brickbats, too ; just look at 'em ! [takes some out) 

Sam. His circus ain't nowhere, man. But what's the pher- 

loserphy of it, anyhow 1 ,.,.... 

Warsaw. Mark me, he's got some game on hand ; he s filled 
his gripsack with hay and brickbats to give it size and weight. 
Then he put it behind the counter here as a kind of security, to 
ward off suspicion, and when he's gotten through with his job, 
he's going to leave without paying his board. 

Sam. That's it j now for Sandy ! 

Warsaw. No, sir! come back! Let me have charge of this 
case, and I'll work that old gawk like a ripsaw ; we'll have some 
recreation out of this ; yes, sir, we'll do it to-night ! Now, Sain, 
while I put this bag back behind the counter, just take my fid- 



30 

die and carpetbag and wait for me in my room, won't you % 
We'll settle on a plan for to-night. 

Sam. All right; here goes! (exit) 

Warsaw. Let's see; I'll dive a little deeper into this bag just 
to find out a little more — a brick — another brick — some hay and 
sand — another brick — hey, here's something else, away down at 
the bottom- what is it— perdition, a pocket-book ! The rascal ! 
what does he want with a pocket-book? He may keep the 
bricks and I'll keep the purse and show it to Sam. (puts it into 
It is side pocket) Now I'll put this bag back into the exact spot — 
let's see, I'm in a fix myself (while he is trying to put the gripsack 
into the same place behind the counter, Lucy enters without Ms 
knowledge). 

Enter Lucy, a little sleepy, holding a half-written letter in her hand 
— sits down at the table to ivrite. Presently Warsaw, exasper- 
ated at something, springs to his feet and hurls his beaver 
across the room). 

Warsaw (to his beaver). Perdition ! get out of my way ! 

Lucy. Oh! horrors ! who is that ? (drops her letter) 

Warsaw. Be calm, excited girl ! that hat's at the bottom of 
it. I tell you, as fast as I pushed it back on iny head, it would 
slip down again over my eyes, till I became abnormal ! 

Lucy. Yes, but what are you doing behind that counter % Ex- 
plain that. 

Warsaw. I'll tell you everything directly, Lucy; I'm pre- 
paring for a little episode in the history of the Big Fool Tavern. 
— Hello ! so you've heard from home ? (picks up Lucy's letter) 

Lucy. No, I was writing a letter; I expect to hear this eve- 
ning. 

Warsaw. Then you'll leave in the morning 1 

Lucy. In the morning, if I hear. 

Warsaw. Then I'll go, too ! (reads) 

Lucy. Stop ! give me my letter ! 

Warsaw. Oh ! no, Lucy, let me read it. 
Lucy. No, no, no, I don't want to. 






31 

Warsaw. Why ? I'd let you.— Oho ! I understand ! 

Lucy (suspicious). What uowf 

Warsaw. You are writing to some other iellow, that's it ! . 

Lucy. Why, Hiram ! I'm not at all! Then read it! It's more 
than you would do ! 

Warsaw. It isn't Lucy ! (reads with satisfaction) Oh! this is 
your acknowledgement, is it? Then, Lucy, none but you and 
me shall know it yet ! 

Lucy. Now isn't that more than you would do ! You wouldn't 
permit any one to rear your letters. 

Warsaw. Why, Lucy, I'd let you — 

Lucy. You will f - Then I'll put you to the test, sir! It isn't 
in the nature of a man to do so ! 

Warsaw. How ignorant you are of men ! 

Lucy. Come here now (pulls him aside)', let me have this let- 
ter I see in your pocket, (takes it out herself) 

Warsaic. That's from a friend of mine, a former clerk in a 
big dry goods house. Afterwards, he became a runner— he's a 
runner still ! 

Lucy. Where is he ? 

Warsaw. Busticating in the south of France ! He wants to 
know if it's time to come home; I told him to take it quietly for 
ten years more. 

Lucy (pulling out a travelling fiask from anothe • pocket). And 
what is this ? 

Warsaw. Oh! Lucy, don't touch that! 
Lucy. Why, what is it ? 

Warsaw. It's nothing but medicine — cures snake-bites ! 
Lucy. Oh ! yes, I know it does ! How much you must suffer ! 

Warsaic. In my business, Lucy, a man must go armed with 
antidotes. 
Lucy. And how often are you snake-bitten ? (returns the flask) 

Warsaw. It's chronic with me ! 

Lucy. Well, here is another letter. How many have you ? 



32 

Warsaw. No, tliat is a song of* mine, a poem called 'My Per- 
cussion Cap;" I'll sing it for you after awhile 
Lucy. You will ? I'll be sure to remind you of it ; here it is. 
Warsaw (reading it over and commenting upon it somewhat ab- 
stractedly). I wrote this thing myself; consequently it's good. 
The metre is astonishingly fine and the cadences are just like 
rolling down a hill, (here Lucy discovers the purse in his side 
pocket, and moves away without his knowledge) When I have laid 
my snare for to-night — by the way (turning) — Oh, Lucy, how 
have I pained you ! Lucy ! Lucy ! 
Luey (to Agnes, jusi 'entering). Oh! Agnes! Agnes! my purse! 
Agnes. Who had it, sister? 

Lucy (turning toward Warsaw). No ! — I will not speak it! 
Warsaw. Not I, Lucy, not I ! 

[Curtain.] 



ACT IV. 

— o: :o— 

Scene — Interior of the Big Fork Tavern. Night of the same day, 
Sandy standing behind the counter and Sharp sitting at table, 
conversing. Midu ight. Morning. 

Sharp. Well, we've got it all fixed now. How much was it you 
lost this morning ? 

Sandy. I los' ten dollars out o' the till — putty good sum. 

Sharp. Yes, it is. How much did you put in thar jus' now to 
bait him with "? 

Sandy. Five dollars ; I didn't want to risk too much, you see. 

Sharp. Well yes ; but 'spose you add this dollar o' mine to 
make it more temptin' ; we must hook him in for certain. 

Sandy. Well I will, if you've got no objection (does so). 

Sharp. We are putty certain that feller Sam Easj aint got a 
hand iu it, too. 

Sandy. Lord, no; I've known Sam for many a year, and it 



33 

aint them ladies, of course. It's that feller sellin' the medicine, 
lie's the man. 

Sharp. We've got the inside track, and so let's hoi' to the cine! 
I say, d'rectly we'll go out and take a walk down toward the 
circus jus' to give him a chance. We might get him. 

Sandy. Yes, we'll stay out about an hour— Hush ! I hear 
somebody comiu' now. 

Sharp. Then let's go ter'ble soon. 

Enter Warsaw and Lucy. 

Sandy. Come in, strangers; I've got an ap pint men t to go 
down to the village for awhile, and I'll have to leave you. 

Lucy. Don't let us detain you, then. 

Sharp. I believe I'll go with you, Sandy, it's such a nice 
walk (exeunt). 

Warsaw (aside). We'll walk you off to jail after awhile. 

Lucy. Oh ! Hiram, why don't you let me tell Sandy that the 
man's nothing but a tramp ? 

Warsaw. No, no, Lucy ; if you do, the fellow might get away, 
and you'll ruin my plan. I've got charge of this case, and the 
plan is all fixed. 

Lucy. It is ? what is it ? 

Warsaw. I want to show Sandy that he's been suspecting 
the wrong man, and I'll open his eyes. We must go slowly, you 
see. Now I've let the constable, Aleck Fury, into the secret, 
and he's in for a little recreation himself. After awhile, about 
midnight, I'll station him outside the door there, aud then Sam 
and myself will embrace the biped. 

Lucy. Oh ! then that's just the thing. 

Warsaw. And we'll find out how he got hold of the purse, for 
it is evident he has a partner. 

Lucy. It's that old bald-headed tramp. I can see him now. 
{gaping). My ! my ! my ! I'm so tired ! 

Warsaw. My goodness ! you're not angry with me, are you ? 

Lucy. No ! 

Warsaw. Then don't throw me off my guard so suddenly ; 



34 

you almost take the cake, Lucy. But let me tell you, I'm ac- 
quainted with a woman on the Upper Arkansas, who, in the 
matter of yawning - , has no parallel in the history of this country 
- none whatever! Mark me, when that woman has talked her 
self into a relaxed condition, and then has eaten a dinner suffi- 
cient for a Baptist conference, there was no such thing as 
measuring the extensiveness of one of her yawns — 

Lucy. Oh ! nonsense— That hasn't anything to do with this 
matter ! 

Warsaw. Positively, Lucy, I have seen that woman yawn 
until her ears slipped around into her mouth and disappeared ! 
Now that looks like exaggeration, don't it ? 

Lucy {highly indignant). It's false, sir ; I do not believe any 
such thing ! 

Warsaw, You don't ! 

Lucy. No, sir ! I do not — absurd ! Do you think I would 
believe that ? 

Warsaw. Lucy ! nothing is impossible to women ! 
Lucy. Now stop right there ! If pou are going to quarrel with 
me at the beginning, then what ! 

Warsaw. Then we'll have to make up right off, Lucy, z-1- 
though facts are stubborn things, they must give way. There ! 
(extending his hand) Now you won't irritate me any more, will 
you ? 
Lucy. Agreed — I will not! 
Warsaw. That's a girl ! —Well, here's Sam. 
Enter Samuel Easy, with an anxious countenance. Smokes vigor- 
ously and keeps on the alert. Presently Agnes rushes in from 
another quarter and Sam begins to retreat. 
Agnes. Stop, sir ! stop, I say ! Wasn't that you, sir ? 
Warsaw. What's the matter now ? 

Agnes. Wait ; let him answer me ! Didn't you come rushing 
into my room just now ? 
Sam. Well, hoi' on — 
Ijucij. I expect it was a mistake, Agnes. 



I 



35 

Warsaw. That's evident. 

Sam. It was ; you see, Trav'ler, I was comin' along to see you 
about that bizness, an' it bein' very dark upstairs, I got iu the 
wrong room and walked up to the bed where I thought I seed 
you an' — 

Agnes. Yes, you puffed some of your vile tobacco smoke all 
over my head! I'll never get rid of it ! Now I'll forgive you this 
time, sir. 

Warsaw. That settles it then ; she forgives you, Sam. How's 
that? 

Sam. Oh ! that's all right- Well, I 'spose you're goin' to 
'tend to that feller about midnight ? 

Warsaw. Yes, it's getting late now. You had better take a 
little rest, Lucy. 

Lucy. Yes, I am ; come on, Agnes, I'm very tired. We're 
going to leave in a few hours, you know. 

Sam (casting a leer at Agnes). Yes, a nap'll do you good ; I'm 
goin' to take a snooze myself d'rectly. (exeunt Lucy and Agnes) — 
Is everything ready ? 

Warsaw. I've got Aleck ready, but it isn't time yet. 

Sam. Oh ! no; but I tell you what I'm goin' to do, Trav'ler; I'm 
goin' behin' that counter and take Sandy's money out'o that ti\V 
I've jus' thought of it; that disgustin' tramp will steal it ! 

Warsaw. Eight ! it hadn't occurred to me. 

Sam. Six dollars, exactly. You take charge of it, because I'm 
goin' to take a nap in Sandy's room. Losiu' sleep kills me out, sir 

Warsaw. Well, you have'nt long to take a nap, Sam. Look 
here, don't oversleep yourself. 

Sam. ISo, no, I'm the last man in the worl' to do that! I'l 
be here to the very dot (exit). 

Warsaw. It's time for those fellows to be back ; let me take a 
look. I believe they are coming now.' I'll wait for them any- 
how. Here's somebody coming. 

Enter Sandy and Sharp. 

Sandy. Well, we've been gone a good time, hain't we 1 



36 

Sharp. Longer'n we thought. 

Warsaic. It's a fine night, though, and you don't mind walk- 
ing anyhow, do you 1 ? 

Sharp. I walk mighty little. I can't git used to it, Sandy 

Sandy. That's the way with some people; it goes hard with 
'em. --By the way, I wonder if my stable's locked ? Wait here a 
bit won't you ? (exit) 

Sharp. That's the safest way, lock things up. — I say, stranger, 
let's have a little quiet talk, eh ? 

Warsaw. Exactly, old menagerie. 

Sharp. How would you like to invest about fifty dollars, say, 
in the circus— good security 1 

Warsaw. What am I going to do then 1? 

Sharp. Just so ; I'm anxious to make some repairs and 
change things a little. Now here's a fine openin' for you: you 
help me with fifty dollars and take an interest! See? Get 
the drift ? Splendid, ain't it % 

Warsaw. Well — yes — rather gorgeous— but too much like the 
rainbow. 

Sharp. How's that ! 

Warsaw. You can't get it. 

Sharp. Redicerlous ! 'Spose we try it ? 'spose you lend me 
fifty dollars jus' for an experiment 1 

Warsaw. My friend, I don't experiment with fifty dollar bills, 
I take ten -cent drinks. 

Sharp. You're lettin' a splendid chance slip from you ! 

Warsaic. Theoretically your plan's feasible, but it's power- 
fully abstract. 

Sharp. I say, lend me ten dollars — five dollars— one dollar 
then ! 

Warsaw (rising). You're honest, no doubt, but ask Sandy ; 
here he is. Now for the music ! (exit) 

Enter Sandy. 

Sharp. That feller talks slick, my stars ! — Wanted to borrer 
fifty dollars from me ! 



37 

Sandy. Is it posscrble \ 

Sharp Notwithstandin" he knew what my expenses must be ! 
You know that ! 

Sandy. Of course I do ! It's shameful, (goes behind his counter) 

Sharp. Now for our bait. How is it f 

Sandy. Gone, sir! gone! 

Sharp. I would have swore to it ! Ain't he a corruptin' feller ? 

Siniy. Now ain't he ? The dog ! what'll we do with him ? 

Sharp. It's mighty perplexin', but keep everything quiet for 
a time, and then we'll arrest him. We'll chuck him in jail to- 
morrer. 

Sandy. You think that's best, eh 1 

Sharp. It's the only way, say nothin'. Are you certain you 
won't have any need for that ten dollar bill you lent me awhile 
ago? 

Sandy. Oh! no, you'll pay it back to-morrer evenin'. 

Sharp Yes, I will. I'm g>in' to take a trip in the country in 
the mornin', you know, to find out how the roads are. I'll be 
back in the evenin'. 

Sandy. Yes, you told me that. Hush ! Somebody's comin'. 
Jus' keep your seat and be mum. There ! 

Enter Warsaw, with his fiddle— Aleck Fury is stationed outside the 
door. Warsaw, having surveyed them both carefully, takes a 
seat just behind the tramp and begins to play the " Arkansas 
Traveller." Suddenly he stops and punches the tramp in the 
ribs with his fiddle-bow, and starts again quicJely as if he hadn't 
done anything Again he thrusts him in the ribs and resumes 
his playing without a variation of countenance. This is re- 
peated till the tramp is exasperated. 

Sharp (rising, exasperated). Well! I think you might let a 
gentleman alone, I do ! (sits down) 

Sandy. What is it ? Anything wrong ? 

Sharp Nothin', except he's pokin' me in the ribs ! (another 
thrust) I say, can't you let me alone ! That's six times ! (sits 
down again) 



38 

Sandy (rising). I won't have this in my tavern ! What is it! 

Warsaw. Sit down, excited gawk ! It's my old fiddle, that's 
all! (begins to play again and then thrusts the tramp's hat 
down over his eyes) 

Sharp (to Sandy). Well, sir! you lose me as a boarder! By 
dad, it's too much ! (presently resumes his seat) 

Sandy. You sneakin' rogue! I'll tell you soinethin' — 

Warsaw. Sit down, I tell you ! Let me soothe you ! 

Sandy. No, sir! I'm goin' to show you up! — The night you 
come here first, you emptied my till ; you did the very same 
thing this morniu' and a little while ago ! I'll give you pai- 
tic'ler fits, you slippery rogue ! 

Warsaw (moving hack within easy reach of the tramp's gripsack). 
Now, old man, give me your ears a minute. You remember, a 
bald-headed tramp robbed you on the first night and robbed me; 
that's proved ; I wouldn't rob myself, of course ! I've got the 
money you left in the till to-night — 

Sandy. Aha ! — 

Warsaw. But the money you left there this morning, an in- 
sidious tramp has got. — Now here's the purse that Lucy lost ; it 
came out of this carpet-bag; look, Sandy, look! (turns the bag 
upside down so that the bricks fall out) There's the rascal, grab 
him ! 

Sandy. My stars ! I'm wrong ! Oh ! I've got you ! (rushes at 
Sharp who flings something like dust into his eyes) Look out! pep 
per ! pepper ! 

Warsaw (seizing a brick as the tramp rushes toward the door). 
Back, sir! back ! you're euchred, sir .' -Now Aleck ! 
Enter Aleck Fury, with his pistol. 

Aleck. z_ha! throw up your arms, sir! quick! I'll down you! 
(the tramp does so) Come on, Sandy, we'll tie his arms, (they do so) 

Warsaw (thrusting him with his fiddle-bow). Well, sir ! what 
have you got to say for yourself now ? 

Aleck. Yes, what do you mean by all this ? 

Sharp. I can't help it ! 



39 

Warsaw. What! can't help stealing ? 

Sharp. No! I'm a kleptermaniae ! {at this point, Phil. Sly, 
who has been lurking about, thrusts his head in at the door.) 

Sly {astonished). Good-bye, Billy, I'm off for Texas ! (vanishes) 

Sandy. Ha ! there's the other rogue ! We'll swing to this one ! 

Warsaw. Yes, the deep-dyed villain with the baldhead ! He's 
gone ! — Be careful, Aleck, be careful ; I once got away from a 
constable myself — 

Aleck. You did! How was it? 

Warsaw. I was arrested one day in July on a false charge. It 
was broiling hot, and the court-house was two miles off. Now 
the constable, instead of letting me go there in my buggy, tied 
my arms and started to walk me there. He was afraid I'd get 
away, you see — 

Aleck. Yes — 

Warsaiv. Well, when we had gone about a mile and a quar- 
ter, the fellow got tired, and we stopped under a big oak tree to 
rest ourselves. The constable stretched himself on the grass 
and rolled over two or three times just for a change. Suddenly 
he rose to his feet with a shout, and gazed at me in breathless 
terror, his eyes rolling like a pair of infuriated moons. It was 
an appalling situation. Presently six yellow-jackets marched 
our from under his shirt— a moment more — he was off at a 
bound, flying down the road, his right arm working like the dri- 
ving-wheel of a steam engine. He went humming through the 
air like a nail, and passed the first mile-post in less than three 
minutes; and then for an instant, I saw him in the remote dis- 
tance like a speck, and he faded from sight and was seen no 
more ! I tell you, boys, that fellow overtook a hurricane on the 
road ! 

Sharp. Ha ! ha ! ha ! as I'm a sinner ! 

Warsaiv. Away with that rusty tramp ! Get your hat, Sandy ! 
— Hello ! Parson ! 

Enter Hezekiel Kent, very sleepy. 

Kent. Well, who was it woke me up and told me to come 



40 

down to the Tavern this time o' night, anyhow ? 
Aleck. Why I did— for help. 

Kent. You did? (looking about) Brother Sharp ! how are you? 
Handy. Brother Sharp's goin' to leave us now ? (exeunt Sandy, 
Sharp, Aleck) 

Warsaw. He's a thief, Parson, that's all. You're mistaken, 
Kent. Is it posserble ? Well, well, ain't I mistaken now ! Hey, 
here's them ladies, too, Trav'ler. 

Enter Lucy and Agnes,. 
Warsaw. You're just too late. 
Lucy. We are? So you've really caught him ! 
Agnes. That's splendid ; we came down to see. 
Warsaw. And we saw his friend, the old bald-headed tramp. 
He got away, Lucy, and left for Texas. 

Lucy. The rascal ! — Who is that yonder ? (pointing at Sam 
just entering) 

Warsaw. That looks like Sam. 

Enter Sam Easy, just waked up from Ms nap. 
Sam (rubbing his eyes). Hello! is that you, Parson ? Are you 
goin' to fight too ? Well, well, (brightens up a little, then rolls up 
his sleeves carefully and squares himself off) Now boys, I'm ready 
fetch in the tramp ! 

Warsaw. Just too late, Sam. 

Sam. Too late? My sakes, have I overslep' myself ? How'd 
I do that ? 
Kent. You're always behin' time ; nobody counted on you. 
Sam. Well, did you git here ? 
Warsaw. The Parson was late, too. 
Sam (drawing out ajlask). Have another drink, Parson? 
Kent. I don't want it, sir ! 

Sam. Parson, it's a pity you drink ! But let's shake hands 
anyhow (they do). 

Warsaw (at the door). Here they come ! 

Lucy. Who? 

Wars iu\ Sandy and Aleck. 



41 

Enter Sandy and Aleck Fury. 

Sandy. Here's your knife, Parson; we searched him. He 
confessed that another man foamed Sly robbed us on the first 
uight and stole the purse in the Tavern. 

Warsaw. Aha! so he put it in his carpetbag and forgot 

about it! 

Kent. Well, well, here's my old knife. You've got him safe, eh? 
Aleck. Yes, sir. we've got bim safe in jail ; that's the way to 
do- bizness-bizness-bizness ! Let's have a song, boys ! 

Lucy. Oh! yes, come here now {goes into Warsaw's pocket). 
Here it is ; you said you'd sing it; you must! 

Warsaw. Oh ! Lucy, I'm too modest, but I'll try. This is the 
song I sing to the gaping crowds, and I wrote it while driving 
down the banks of the Arkansas river. There was a man who, 
when he was made angry, reached for his pistol, and called it 
" My Percussion Cap," and so— 

There lived a man in Junkertown, 

The queerest I have seen ; 
His hair was white, his clothes were brown, 

His specs were bottle-green. 
He'd play casino, euchre, too, 

And handled poker well, 
And then he'd read the Bible through, 
And take a pious spell ! 
Chorus. But mind ! it wouldn't do to scoff, 
Or raise a laugh at him, my chap ; 
He'd frown, and then you'd best be off; 
He'd reach for his percussion cap. 

He dealt in 'possums Sunday morn, 

In turtles, gophers, too ; 
And spent the midday hoeing corn, 

And nodded in his pew. 
He held the Gospel in one hand, 

The world, sir, in the other ! 
He did it nicely— understand ? 

He worked them both together ! 
CHORUS. But mind ! enough's enough, my friend, 



42 

He'd notify you, "Verbum sap !" 
And if you didn't scamper then— 
" Byjove! where's my percussion cap!" 

The boys would hold their tongues, from fear 

They knew him through and through ; 
And if he thought you meant to sneer, 

He'd cast a leer at you. 
He was a sinner, what's the use 

To say he wasn't when he was f 
I never told him he was loose, 

I uever did, because — 

Chorus. It wouldn't do, as I have said, 

He'd warn you with a thunder-clap ; 
Aud then you'd hear him as you fled : 
u oh — ves? there's my percussion cap! 



"# 



Such was the man in Junkertown, 

The queerst I have seen ; 
"Whose hair was white, whose clothes were brown, 

Whose specs were bottle-green. 

Sam. Toler'ble good ! Your speakiu' of gophers— 

Agnes. Pray tell me, what is a gopher ! 

Sam. Georgia's the place for gophers, boys, 'way down in 
Gaorgia ! 

Warsaw. In the sorghum fields — 

Sam. Wherever there is sorghum, there's gophers, or there 
ought to be, anyhow ! 

Lucy. Yes, but what is it, please f 

Warsaw. Lend me your ears, Lucy, and I'll describe the party. 
Now observe, the turtle and the gopher appear to be close kin, at 
first sight, but they differ materially. Mark me, the turtle, you 
know, lives in the water and on the land — amphibious, you see — 
he's mixed in his notions ; he eats dirt and drinks water. He 
can't help it — it's constitutional. A gopher, however, prefers 

*You observe that the metre is stormy — at times ; the last line of the 
chorus appears to have had a spasm. I got the knack from Charles 
Wesley.— Author. 



43 

terra firm a ; he abhors water from first principles— it's innate 
with him, ain't it, Sam ? 

Sam. I know it to be a fact, I'm somethiu' of a boternist 
myself! 

Agnes. Now I'm dreadfully mixed ! 

Sam. Yes, it takes study. 

Sandy (at the door). Boys, boys, you don't know it, but the 
sun's up in the east ! 

Warsaw. It is ? Then, Lucy, when all is ready, we will bid 
them good-bye, our friends of the Big Fork Tavern! 

Lucy. Oh ! Hiram, I will go with you in your buggy, Agnes 
and I ! 

Warsaw. And we shall see Kentucky together ! 

Sandy (rushing up). What, are you two goin' to be married ? 
Why I didn't know all that was goin' on in my Tavern ! 

Aleck (rushing up). What's that? 

Sandy. These two are goin' to git married. 

Kent (rushing up) Is that so ? 

Agnes (smiling). Is it really true, sister? 

Lucy. Why of course it is. I have chosen Hiram Warsaw. 

Warsaw. Lucy, my girl, risk no other ! 

Sam (struck by an idea). Let's celerbrate it, boys ! Where's 
that 'simmon beer ? 

[CURTAIN.] 



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